Sunshine, Downy and Journals.

Random fact of the day: My first memory is when I was under a year old. The only person who believes me is my twin sister - my wombmate. Why does she believe me? Well, not only are we genetically similar...that's HER FIRST MEMORY, TOO. We were eight or nine months old and squished together in a leather chair. She remembers wondering what the black box in front of my mom's face was (a gigantic camera...pre-digital days) and I remember thinking I had no room to move and was getting a teensy bit annoyed by my lack of space. I'm (we) are not kidding. I was practically sitting on top of my tiny sister (who almost half my size at birth) and I have a triple chin because I couldn't really push myself up yet. There's a picture to prove it. I will show it to you, if you ask.

Gratitude of the day: Like most other Michiganders would say today, the SUNSHINE, accompanied by the warm weather. That fresh smell in the air (which Downy has almost nailed down - they're genius) makes me breathe a little deeper and spreads some calm through my bones. I don't know about you, but I'll take this over gray skies, subzero temperatures and brown slush any day. Odd, I know. How I love the sting of the cold and the gagging feeling you get when it's so frigid and windy that you can't breathe. I live for that, really.

Thoughts to ponder: This past weekend, I spent a solid five hours cleaning out my room, which has been in some state of disarray for what seems like the past year. Or since 1997. So, in between sorting through piles of receipts and bobby pins and college papers and birthday cards and Velcro rollers and some old school CDs (a la Britney, Spice Girls and Point of Grace), I came across some journal entries I had to write for an English class in high school.

First of all, I immediately felt sympathetic for the teacher who had to read these entries because one whole entry included just this:

I have been sooo delinquent on writing in my journal! I am really sorry - I am really going to write in it. I decided to use a diff. journal, bc I really didn't like my other one. I have entries in there, so if you do want to see them you may. But I do need to be faithful in writing in this!

Would it have killed me to write out "because" and "different" and expand on just one thought? Anything would have worked: the weather, Godric, current events. Apparently, I wasn't down with that.

Instead, I spent the next ELEVEN pages detailing exactly how I was asked to prom ( I think I documented every single word. Every breath, actually). And the following two pages detailed a spring break trip to Florida. Oh wait. But those two pages only described the flight connection problems we had. Not the actual trip itself.

Really brilliant work. Did I mention this was for an AP English class? It was in fourth grade. Just kidding. I have to be honest: it was my SENIOR YEAR OF HIGH SCHOOL. Now I'm embarrassed. Somehow I still did well in the class. Obviously the journals did not account for a large percentage of the grade.

However, what stuck with me about those journal entries was one section where I went back and forth about my college decision. Throughout it, I wrote about the pressure I felt, as a "people pleaser," to choose accordingly. And I wasn't sure where I was supposed to go, but my heart was torn and my stress level was evident throughout.

Fast-forward a year later. Some friends of mine and I started reading "If You Want to Walk On Water, You've Got to Get Out of the Boat," by John Ortberg, for a small group. Throughout it, I constantly wrote about all these decision I had to make - changing my major, contemplating taking time off to do YWAM, unsettledness about where to turn and what choices to make.

Over the following year, several of those decisions were made, and I moved forward. Changed my major seven (yes, seven) times. Moved to Guatemala. Changed my major back to nursing when I returned. Apparently changed it again, because I'm not a nurse now (largely due to the fact I thought I might pass out during an ER commercial. Come to think about it, I DID pass out in shadowing a nurse in eighth grade. I should have probably taken that as a warning sign).

Well, last week, I started re-reading the book. And, it struck me that there seems to be a pattern going on here. Because now, six years later, I'm making just as many or even more decisions as before and while they seem insurmountable and intimidating and life-changing at the moment, really, they are just a step along the pathway of life.

This past year, my thoughts have been full of: "I'm a Communication and Spanish major. Oh no. What in the world am I going to do? I know, I'll move to Chicago. I love big cities. AND, I LOVED PHILLY. I'm sure Chicago will be a great fit. Plus, it's more central. Wait, do I move? I DON'T KNOW! No. YES. I NEED TO LEAVE WEST MICHIGAN. NO! YES-I'm signing a lease. HA! Signed it (but felt sick while signing it...almost like I wasn't supposed to sign it...). OH NO, I HAVE AN APARTMENT IN CHICAGO. I'm so glad we're in a recession right now and Michigan has the highest unemployment rate. What do I do about this apartment? AHHHHHHH."

Okay. Sorry if that was stressful. But, that's really what my mind was like for a solid few months. And suddenly (or slowly...depends how you look at it), after some honest counsel from friends and family, some real soul-searching and the painful admission that maybe I wasn't right, I realized, once again, that everything is not in my control. And the moment I acknowledged that, I could breathe again. And my thoughts were not all in caps. Just looking at that paragraph kind of makes me stressed and I'm very glad I am not there anymore.

All that to say, in the past month, I've entered into a spot where it's okay to back away. It's okay to make the wrong decisions, because I've learned from them. And it's okay to not have my whole life together, because honestly, I'm learning a lot more now than when I was trying to make all kinds of decisions and plan out every millisecond of my existence. So, I'm grateful to be where I am. And grateful for the person I was six years ago and the person I'm becoming.

And now...

A rhyme for the day: It's been such a great day today/The birds and people could run and play/I ate a hamburger and it was real tasty/Snow, on your return, let's not be hasty/If I could choose anything to eat/I would choose ice cream, my favorite treat.